Hurry Up and Calm Down

One man's attempt to keep himself sane by entertaining himself and others with his skewed view of all things.

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Senior Moment? Me?!?

I was at the post office today (Friday) at 4:10 for a work related errand. In my haste I gave the clerk the wrong credit card and said "wait... use this one instead". When he looked mildly miffed I apologized by saying "I'm sorry. It's Friday, 4 o'clock and I don't know whether I'm coming or going although I just want to GO".  The clerk who is in his early sixties looks up at me and says "Is it Friday? Are you sure it wasn't just a senior moment?" WTF! The guy that has to play Russian Roulette each morning to decided whether or not he's going to work just called me old and/or mentally dysfunctional. Last I checked you have to be a senior to have a 'senior moment'. Okay, so I didn't check anything and maybe that last remark was a little harsh. I'm not really mad. I just find it odd that the ripe old age of 31 I'm being called a senior. Maybe it's the mustache.

Oh and if I was 18-25 and female I'd end this with FML. Seems to be the trend these days. Shit, maybe I am getting old. "Damn kids!"

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Why I'm single

SF:  How come no one has snapped you up yet? You're good looking and smart..seem like a good catch. No one suitable?!
me:  I haven't found suitable for me
SF:  That's what I meant.
me:  I need my wife to be 6'0" exactly, one blue eye and one green eye, a virgin, wants to have 13 kids and can promise me all boys. hard to find.
SF:  Would you settle for a midget with one eye?
me:  only if that one eye was lost in a grade school glitter accident.
SF:  LMAO! haha  You're nuts!

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The Smithsonian and a Jackass

F: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid. (calling me from the other room) Come here old buddy. I want to show you something.
Me: (mumbling) If it's about a fucking notebook...

[Several times a week my boss shows me how he keeps illegible notes in a book, on paper plates, scraps of paper, etc.  He's trying to convince me to keep a To-Do notebook because according to him, I forget a lot of things. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the drugs I've had to consume in order to tolerate this repetitious bullshit. Kidding BTW.]

(I walk in to the room where he's sitting)
Me: Yes?
F: Look here. This is my notebook. I just want you to see that I keep all the notes. I write in this every day and this is what you should do.
[I'm paraphrasing because I had already turned my ears off prior to walking in there]
Me: I've seen your notebook. You know what? Do me a favor. I want you to amend your will and leave these notebooks to me. I'll be sure the Smithsonian gets them.
F: (chuckles) You know what I'll leave you? I'm going to leave you the donkey I inherited in Italy and...
Me: Just what I need Frank, a jackass! Gee, thanks.

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Early 80's Commericals

Thanks to my friend Stefan who suggested the only way to watch Jaws is not in HD but "on VHS recorded on WPIX in 1979 with the commercials" I'm now recalling videos I watched as a kid that were recorded from TV and the catchy commercials they contained. I recall a Burger King commercial from the early 80's. I'm wondering just how much of the detail I recall and I'd love to find it on YouTube. I'll have to dig out my tapes of The Amazing Spider-Man (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076975/) with Nicholas Hammond. I had The Deadly Dust (Parts 1 and 2) and The Chinese Web (Parts 1 and 2). Come to think of it I think I had a crush on Rosalind Chao.

Anyway so far the only commercials I'm finding are with celebrities before they were celebrities.


Emmanuel Lewis was 23 here.


I had all these and broke 3 out of the 4.

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Eddie Hazel and Funkadelic

Found myself on a friend's couch last night and playing my iPod through their little speakers but it sounded amazing. I think my apartment just suchs acoustically and although my speakers and nice the sound just doesn't feel the same. So Funkadelic comes on and my ears tingle at the sound Eddie Hazel playing guitar on Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts (off Standing On The Verge Of Getting It On). Now I'm at work on a Saturday watching him play Maggot Brain on YouTube.

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Watching 80's TV Shows

So I'm checking out some 80's TV shows on Netflix and recalling things I grew up seeing. Decided to get on YouTube and see if I can find commercials and promos for some of these shows. As some of you know from firsthand experience you can get easily sidetracked and lost in other videos while searching on YouTube. Some how I went from TV promos from the 80's to soccer fatalities. That's right, videos of players dying on the field. I had no idea there were so many. One player looked fine and just dropped dead, another took a headbutt to the temple and I presume died, another had a seizure and in doing so did a dance that Michael Jackson couldn't do if he were alive or came back from the dead just to moonwalk..

Just sitting here going "holy $@#%!" and then shaking my head and saying to myself, why did I login?

Oh yeah... 80's TV promos.




"...fast cars and slow blondes."

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I had a dream!

And it wasn't profound, great, funny, entertaining, and didn't involve gorgeous naked women (see 'entertainment'). The dream involved hanging out waiting for David Lee Roth to show up for an interview. Why I was to interview DLR, I have no idea. Why was his name in my head? I thought I knew but as I'm writing this I realized exactly why. Funny how things that might seem to be random thoughts could actually be products of relatively meaningless and inconsequential moments of your day. I got to work today vaguely recalling part of this dream and decided to look up a photo I had seen sometime ago of David Lee Roth with Pee-Wee Herman and Rodney Dangerfield. Now what I realize is the dream and photo are connected because while walking through the city yesterday a friend pointed out the sign for the Pee-Wee Herman show, we had walked in to a music store and I was looking at sheet music when I noticed a book 'The Songs of David Lee Roth and Van Halen'. Then when I decided to watch a movie later one of the Netflix suggestions was a cartoon Rover Dangerfield

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. So here I am looking up a picture just because I thought it had one connection but it has three. I'm writing this as if anyone would find this interesting, ummmm........

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So I think this photo tells a story. It appears to me that Pee-Wee was getting a pick with Rodney who kindly obliged and DLR just walked over all cocky and probably drunk off his ass going "hey guys! What's going on over here?".  The look on Pee-Wee's face says "god damnit!" and Rodney is just trying to take the photo and ignore DLR.

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Kids Say The Darndest Things

I was on line in the supermarket behind this young woman and her daughter who was no older than five. The little girl is taking everything out of the shopping basket and heaving it to the checkout girl. Ground chuck, veggies, canned goods, even glass bottled items all being throw up with every bit of strength while her mother stands there searching through her wallet. The kid was cute but it was odd the mother made zero effort to help. Then as the mother pays the clerk the little girl tries to squeeze by her mom multiple times. Finally the girl looks up and yells "Ma! Ma! Get yo ass out my face." I cracked up. Five years old (if that) and back talking sass. This kid is going to be a handful. I suppose I can't blame her if mom is that lazy.

Photo

 

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Google Voice: Does anyone use it?

I had tried it some time ago and never really liked it. The idea is great but I was concerned that Google would have access to all my emails and now, voicemails.  After just logging in for the first time in a year I listened to this message a friend had left me to see how well Google Voice transcribes voicemails. It's pretty bad. I found it amusing. "yeeeeeeeeah!"


Transcription:

The other day and this is Al, I'm going to try to leave his voicemail and and changed I. I guess as possible to see if the changes and we'll actually pick up the work that I'm saying. Could you should be. If you see where your word, then he tried Description, we'll be all. So I'm leaving a lengthy message about absolutely nothing. I'm currently walking into the passport looking out the traffic died. Please please please really full. I don't think that I will be able to speaking with you and just ask for because it starts at 6. Just wanted to talk to you and also I don't want to go out and I have people to come out of the station so I guess that's the only thing that house. Hopefully this will transcribe pretty well 8. Talk to you later. Yeah.
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Easiest Way to get TV time

It seems if you want to be on TV, the easiest way would be to go on a murder spree or find several woman to knock-up simultaneously and claim you are not the father then you can be on Maury. Sad.
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